Dear Leanne,
I have been married for 14 years. My husband and I have very traditional roles.
I am a homemaker / Mom and he brings home the money. Raising 3 kids, keeping up with the house, in addition to all the kids’ activities has kept me busy and exhausted. Now that they are getting older my time is freeing up a bit.
I don’t have many hobbies. I’ve never been one to just sit around. My problem is that I am realizing how boring my husband is.
I try to make plans with him and he always just seems too tired or is working. I don’t think I realized this all these years because I was so busy.
Now I am really wanting to do activities with him and I am feeling rejected. I can’t imagine being married and bored with him the rest of my life. What should I do?
Mrs. Bored
Dear Mrs. Bored,
First of all let’s be honest. All the time you were spending homemaking and raising the kids, you probably weren’t paying much attention to him either!
Have you put the work in?
It just so happens that in many long-term relationships people don’t put the effort in to staying connected. So often after the kids are on their own the couple looks at one another and thinks, “who the hell is this? Do I want to be married to him/her?”.
Mrs. Bored, now that it’s gotten to that point, you have some work to put into your marriage.
Adjust your expectations
First you will need to adjust your expectations. Just because your load has lightened doesn’t mean his load has. He may still have to work like a racehorse to afford your standard of living.
Plan ahead
If he truly doesn’t have time for you, maybe you need to discuss plans for retirement. Maybe you can scale back a bit so he doesn’t have to work so hard.
Get a life
Next, let’s make sure your life is well balanced with or without time with him. I can’t tell you how important having a life of your own is. You cannot rely on one person to make your life fulfilling.
My parents have been married for over 60 years. They spent time together at night after work if Dad wasn’t traveling. They ate meals together, watched TV together took at least 2 weeks of vacation together each year (with us kids when we were young).
Here’s the most important thing! They each had a life of their own and weren’t dependent on being one another’s only source of happiness.
Dad went on fishing trips with his friends, spent time having a beer or two at the Elk’s Lodge, loved doing his woodworking for hours on end and had a social circle to exercise with.
Mom went on a week-long trip with a group of friends every year (this year marked 25 years with Judi, V and Doreen), had a glass of wine with the neighbors, was in a quilting group, and read every book she could get her hands on.
When my father died last December we were all devastated beyond belief. I’d say we’re still not out of the fog.
However, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, my Mom still has a life. She went on her annual trip a month ago, has lunch with Judy every Friday (I join them when I can), still socializes with the neighbors and appears to becoming a wine connoisseur. In addition, my sister and our husbands are taking her to Italy later this year.
Is her heart broken? Yes. Does she miss my Dad more than anything? Yes. But she still has a life.
Mrs. Bored, I hate to say it but you need to ‘get a life’. Make plans with friends. Take a class. Find a hobby that feeds your soul. Make sure your sole happiness isn’t wrapped around the attention your husband gives you.
Start Interacting
The two of you also need to start paying attention to one another. You can start with just asking him about his day. Maybe he’d like to be able to share that with you. Hopefully, he’ll then ask you about yours.
Attend to your Love Languages
One topic I believe is really important to discuss is each other’s Love Languages. There are a couple of books out there which explain what this is. You can see one on my book recommendations page.
Basically, you need to identify how each of you feels loved. For instance, I feel loved when my husband provides me with acts of service (unload dishwasher, fold laundry etc). I could care less about him holding my hand. On the other hand, my husband feels love just by being touched. If I rub his back, his mood changes to the positive instantly.
Once you’ve established the love languages, you can begin making one another feel loved and reconnected.
Try new things
Now that the kids are gone it’s time to try new things. Maybe you try playing pickleball. Perhaps you explore what it would be like to go the opera. Try experimenting with new recipes together. Start with a new recipe like heart shaped lobster ravioli. It’s a great one for a couple trying to reconnect (and tasty too).
You both must do your part
Either way, bringing your husband back to the living is going to take work. Not just him!!! You have your part to do as well. When you get married you commit to work on it forever.
Good Luck to you Mrs. Bored.
Sincerely,
Leanne
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