Signs of a Toxic Relationship
It happens to many of us. We’re attracted to someone and think perhaps this is the one we’ll be with forever. The fantastic falling in love part of the relationship dies and now we think we may be in trouble.
Below are 10 signs of a toxic relationship. There are definitely more but this should give you a good idea of what you’re dealing with and help you decide what you may need to do.
You Feel You’re the One with Emotional Issues
Toxic people have a knack for making their partners feel crazy. They manipulate their intimate partner by using toxic behaviors to make them question themselves. This tactic is called gaslighting. They need to protect their own insecurities and wrong doings so they have a way to turn situations completely around. For instance:
Mary and Jack go out for dinner. Their server is a young good looking gentleman around their same age. Mary is appropriately friendly to him in the same way she would be with an 84 year old woman. When they arrive home, Jack begins to accuse her of flirting with the server. After he accuses her enough, Mary begins to question her own feelings and behaviors. Did she flirt with the server? She doesn’t think so but is so emotionally exhausted by Jack’s verbal abuse that she begins to doubt herself. She feels crazy and wonders if she’s losing her mind.
Basically, the toxic partner will do anything including questioning facts, bullying, and denying the truth to get their partner to believe their reality and doubt themselves. Needless to say, over a period of time the partner (Mary) will begin to lose a sense of self .
You are Told What You Feel or Think
A toxic person will tell their partner what their partner is thinking or feeling. At times they will even accuse their partner of having specific intentions which they did not.
We all know what it feels like to be called a liar especially if we aren’t one. We want to scream at the top of our lungs to defend ourselves. Toxic people will tell their partner that they don’t feel or think what they actually do. For example:
- “My boyfriend tells me I love how he hugs me. I actually hate it”
- “My wife tells me I believe everything the media tells me. I actually don’t”
- “My girlfriend accuses me of being mad at her when I am not. It’s like she starts a fight to prove it”
You see many signs which indicate a lack of support
Toxic people can be takers and not givers. They have great expectations that their significant other will be there to support them in any situation from illness to imprisonment. Most healthy people in a relationship would actually do this for their partner.
On the other hand, the abusive partner will not do any of these things in return. They refuse to meet their partner’s physical and emotional needs. Here are just a few of the complaints I have heard from actual clients or friends:
- “I was deathly ill lying on the hallway floor and he just stepped over me to get to the kitchen. He never asked if I needed anything”.
- “My car broke down on the freeway so I asked her to pick me up. She said she was in the middle of a movie and told me to call someone else”
- “When I was 4 months pregnant I began to bleed profusely. I called him at work and he said he couldn’t meet me at the doctor because he was in a meeting”
- “I needed to have private outpatient surgery. She wouldn’t get a babysitter to take care of the kids so she could take me or pick me up”
- “Earlier today I found a lump in my breast. My husband’s response was ‘well you have to die of something’”
The normal support a couple would show one another is one directional in a toxic relationship.
You’ll do anything to avoid negative situations
Once you’ve invited someone to be a family member you learn to read their moods. You figure out that the most important thing is to make sure not to rock the boat.
When you’re in their presence you find yourself tense. You are constantly on edge wondering if some kind of abuse, embarrassment, or argument is going to happen at any given moment. You tend to tiptoe around your partner in hopes there won’t be an incident of any kind.
For example:
- “When I hear the garage door opening I run to the bedroom and pretend I was reading so I don’t have to deal with him”
- “I refuse to go out to dinner with her because she always ends up fighting with the server”.
- “I feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time I am with her”
When you’re with a toxic spouse you tend to tense up.
Trying to communicate is not a good thing
Just because one of the two in the relationship appears to be more unhealthy doesn’t mean only one person alone has created the toxic relationship.
How the partners respond to one another in itself can make the relationship very unhealthy. Hostile communication on one’s part may provoke manipulative behaviors on the other partner’s part.
The toxic nature of the relationship prevents the two of them from having open communication. All communication becomes an issue and may include unfair fighting .
One of them usually shuts down at some point. Wanting to avoid physical abuse, fear due to low self-esteem or an attempt to set boundaries are common signs that one of the two doesn’t like the way the communication is unfolding.
Is there a lack of trust?
Trust isn’t simply about infidelity. Trust can be lost or gained based on respect given to one another.
A partner will stop trusting if there is emotional abuse, lying, ignoring, humiliating, bullying, or lack of emotional support. A relationship without mutual respect is one without trust.
A history of infidelity or lying will have the partner on the edge most of the time. Wondering where, what and with whom they are indicates there is no trust.
The anxiety provokes a constant feeling of stress. Constant distrust distracts people from being in the moment and enjoying the good part of life which may be right in front of them.
Your own needs for security continue to increase
Unlike other romantic relationships someone has had, they are constantly needing reassurance that their partner loves them. This doesn’t feel like the safe relationship they’ve had before. For some reason the partner does or says things which may make one feel insecure about the relationship. For instance,
- “My boyfriend will not let you look at any of his social media accounts.”
- “My husband makes comments about how beautiful other women are right in front of me”
Even if a partner is telling you that you’re their one and only, behaviors like the ones above give mixed messages.
Do you find yourself on the up and down roller coaster of ‘he loves me, he loves me not?’
A rough patch cause a (temporary) break up
Couples who break up and get back together deal with their issues by leaving, cooling off, missing each other, and getting back together. This is not a healthy pattern and can be a sign of a toxic relationship. I should know, I’ve been in one.
We also can’t rule out the couple may be participating in the Cycle of Abuse. In a healthy relationship a couple will learn to fight fair and resolve conflict by discussing it. Ultimately they’ll feel closer than before.
Couples who learn to cope by leaving the relationship or threatening to do so cause chaos for themselves, family members they may run to, and their children.
Did the Relationship Begin With Some Significant Lies
I can’t even begin to tell you the discoveries my clients make well after they marry their partner. Here are just a few:
- “My husband had 2 small children being raised by his mother 3 blocks over. I had no idea.”
- “My husband owed $54,000 in back child support for a child I didn’t know existed.”
- “My wife’s criminal record prevents her from leaving the state. I found this out embarrassingly when trying to vacation with another couple”.
- “That bachelor’s degree and master’s degree he had from Berkeley don’t exist”
If a relationship starts off with lies, don’t expect it to change. A spouse who’s lived with one of these huge lies never forgets. Sometimes they may never trust again.
The best time to find these things out is when you’re dating, not after you’re committed.
You no longer spend time with friends.
Your partner manipulates you so you no longer spend time with your friends and sometimes family.
They may pretend they don’t like their spouse’s friends and bitch about them when they interact. The spouse doesn’t want to upset their partner so they don’t bother to see their friends any more.
The abusive partner will make up excuses for the two of them to not attend their partner’s family functions. The abuser also doesn’t want their spouse to have a relationship with anyone but them.
Couples need to have their own lives otherwise they are depending on one another for all their happiness. That’s too much pressure.
In a situation where a partner doesn’t want her spouse to have access to friends or family is usually leading to control and/or abuse. If they don’t have access to outsiders, the abuser will not feel threatened by what others may tell you to do and will be able to continue to control you.
Conclusion
When you think you are in love with someone you don’t tend to listen to those people who warn you against the relationship. Many times people cut off family members and long time friends for saying anything negative about the person they are about to marry.
The love heroine of a new relationship makes it almost impossible to see reality. I have worked with so many people in these situations that I have developed a quote that I ask all of my clients to strongly consider.
“If everyone who knows you and loves you the most is telling you the same thing, you may want to listen.”
Leanne
Think about it. What investment does your mother, sister, best friend, doctor etc. have in who you marry. They just love you and want to protect you. Perhaps they have nothing to gain by telling you the truth.
Questioning, if you are able to see your relationship like any of these above, then you are in a toxic relationship.
