Even healthy relationships change over time. Keeping love alive isn’t always easy during the hard times or even the good times. It takes effort to continue a healthy relationship.
Remember on your first date you were sharing personal stories and just getting to know one another? Next thing you knew you were part of one another’s daily life. You were trying new things together and began developing an emotional connection. Each new experience together increased that ‘falling in love‘ feeling.
Now fast forward 5, 10 or even 20 years. You now own a home, you have a couple of kids (maybe approaching college), you are planning for retirement, there are bills to be paid, your parents are aging and you don’t have that feeling of love the way you once did. (The ‘love heroin’ as I call it). Any relationship expert will tell you this is normal. The fantasy and freedom you once had is now reality and responsibilities.
As I’ve pointed out before in my article ‘Benefits of the Long Term Relationship’ you’ve gone through what’s normal and natural. We’ve all moved from falling in love to being in long-term relationships. Both can be wonderfully fulfilling and have incredible benefits but it takes work.
With all the responsibilities it’s hard to let loose and relive those times when everything was free and easy. If you’re willing, however, there are ways to keep your love alive and make your marriage work. Below are 10 of the best ways to help you keep the love alive.
Leave the House and Try New Things
The Mental Health business has never been this busy. The main reason is because COVID had us inside our homes all day with our romantic partner. Most couples would call their home their comfort zone. With no external contact we relied on each other in ways that we never did before. We became one another’s only companion which put pressure on couples. Being in the house can be a constant reminder of what needs to be done. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, paying bills etc.
Now that COVID has quieted down for the moment, get out of your house. Go explore what’s going on outside. You don’t have to make it expensive or plan something elaborate. Just get out of the house. Hold hands. Go explore the nearest hiking trail. Try a couple of the activities you used to participate in. Try some new ones.
Be Alone Together
Once you’ve decided to go out, don’t take your favorite couple with you. Spend quality time alone together. Make sure that during your date you talk face to face at an intimate level (about thoughts and feelings). The happiest couples are those that talk about everything intimately. Share what you haven’t had time to share with your partner or even had time to think about yourself. Who knows, maybe it will lead to some physical intimacy.
Plan Your Future
At some point most of us will be ’empty nesters’. So often the kids leave and the couple looks at one another with that ‘what do we do now’ look. Spend time together dreaming of the days when it will be just the two of you. Will you be traveling? Will you be having quiet coffee in the backyard? After years of marriage you may think all the fun is gone, but it’s not!
Don’t Let Good Memories Fade
Reminiscing about all your years together is a good way to reconnect again. Talk about the funny things the kids did when they were little. Enjoy the story about how your best man ruined his speech so many years ago. Reminiscing is a safe way to keep a conversation positive. Each story unites you and its a simple way to reconnect.
Share Gratitude
Our busy and demanding lives can make it easy to get caught up in negative thinking. I am incredibly guilty of this. The busier I get the more negative I am and the more little things bother me. On vacation, however, those romantic feelings come back. Unfortunately, we cannot always be on vacation.
Take time daily, with your spouse, expressing one or two things you are grateful for. Even little things like your daughter remembered to take her lunch to school. Or something big like ‘I am grateful you provide for our family’. Believe it or not, it’ll help you both stay more positive and you’ll feel more loving.
Be Helpful
Everyone has responsibilities and sometimes needs help. It’s important that you respond to your partners need for help. Listen and fulfill your spouse’s needs as best you can. Put some real effort into it. Unfulfilled needs leads to resentment.
It’s also important that you express your needs. I recently has foot surgery. I wasn’t able to walk at all so my husband was to bring me meals. Because I didn’t tell him I wanted something healthy, I got ice cream, cookies and a scone for dinner one night. How could he be helpful if I wasn’t expressing what I needed? The point is that he was helpful without complaint. That made me feel love which is the best medicine.
Give Yourself Your Full Attention
For many of us being with people all the time drains us of our energy. I find that when I have been with clients all day I have no energy to give my husband. At some point we will all have to reenergize ourselves. Once you have more energy you’ll have more to put into your relationship. Everyone has a different way of getting their energy back. Mine is to be alone in nature. I love hiking alone. Other people get energized reading a good book. Always make sure you have the energy you need to attend to your relationship. Then you can plan your date night.
Become Independent
Couples who are together 24/7 can become dependent on each other for their happiness. It’s hard enough to make yourself happy all the time. Having someone else dependent on you for their happiness is just too draining. Make sure you each get some happiness and satisfaction outside the relationship. Go out with friends. Join an exercise group. Anything that makes each of you independently happy will put less pressure on the relationship.
Attend to Your Partner’s Language of Love
Everyone feels loved differently. There are plenty of books about Love Languages with best seller rankings. Pick up one of them and identify either together or individually what your language is. Then show your partner love using their love language not yours. Here’s a brief overview of the love languages as presented in The Five Love Languages, (Chapman, Gary 2004).
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
If your partner feels loved by words of affirmation, then tell him he’s doing a great job parenting. Don’t make your partner an elaborate meal if affirmation is what feeds his heart. Food is not the way to every man’s heart. Maybe attending to your partners love language will lead to improvement in your sexual relationship.
Understand the Ups and Downs
Even great marriages have ups and downs. So many people are looking for ‘love heroin‘ all the time. If it’s not there they leave the relationship. The truth is most long term marriages have had some very traumatic times.
Understanding the bad comes with the good is the best way to feel more settled and appreciate being with your partner. Nothing is perfect. When you have a fair fight, talk it out, say you’re sorry and move positively forward.
You can keep love alive! Don’t get caught in the minutiae of everyday life such that you drift apart. Relationships are like all living things which need attention to stay alive. Feeling love and being loved is what keeps us going.
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