Understanding Personality Disorders
Both BPD and NPD are cluster b personality disorders which are characterized as being dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable. Someone with one of these personality disorders has a ridged pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. For this reason they are typically resistant to seeking mental health services. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and people. This causes significant problems and limitations in relationships and the demands of life.
Given both NPD and BPD are in the same cluster, it can be difficult in determining which is which. Someone cannot be both. However, they may have traits of both and not fully be diagnosable as either. Only a licensed professional who treats someone can give a diagnosis of any kind.
Below are a few traits of both personality disorders. The differences of the two are manifested in their inner experiences or outward behaviors.
Fear and Anxiety
Both personalities suffer from intense fear and anxiety.
- The borderline personality disorder fears abandonment typically due to a long personal history of early childhood abuse.
- The narcissist personality disorder constantly fears being ridiculed, rejected, or wronged. Although they appear to be very confident, they are actually very fragile.
Good vs. Bad
Both personality disorders can categorize people, or their behavior, into the extremes of good or bad.
- The borderline personality vacillates from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). If they sense real or imagined abandonment they turn to dislike or anger.
- The narcissist does what is called splitting. All negative thoughts or behaviors are blamed on others. On the other hand, they take credit for everything that is positive and good.
Chaotic or Stormy Relationships
Both are known for chaotic relationships in which the object of their affections can become instantly hated and cutoff.
- The BPD has unstable relationships. They can fall in love quickly and can quickly cut off communication as a reaction to real or perceived abandonment. They can become very manipulative by threatening suicide or self-harm. They exhibit extreme anger and mood swings when they don’t get their way.
- Narcissist don’t form close relationships although they may have a significant other. They are unable to be truly vulnerable or intimate with others. In addition they lack empathy and another person only exists as a positive extension of themselves. When not idealized they quickly cut off any type of relationship.
Self-Image
While both have a self-image issue, only the BPD outwardly shows it.
- The BPD has an unstable self-image. They have negative feelings about themselves and suffer from low self-esteem. They feel responsible for people in their lives leaving them.
- The NPD appears very confident and feels a sense of superiority and entitlement. This appearance is false thus they have an exaggerated need for attention and validation. If someone leaves them, they devalue that person and take no responsibility for the loss.
Response to Threats
Both personality disorders have extreme responses to threats.
- When the BPD is being abandoned or perceives abandonment they often threaten suicide or self-harming behavior as a manipulation.
- The NPD does not harm themselves. When they are devalued in any way they simply cutoff the interpersonal relationships and blame and deflect any negative behavior onto the person who devalued them.
Boundaries
Both of the personality disorders have boundary issues.
- The BPD lacks boundaries. They enter quickly into love relationships due to their excessive need for acceptance and connection.
- The NPD has strict requirements for relationships (attention and validating). They seem to lack maturity and believe that everything belongs to them. They believe everyone thinks and feels the same as they do, and everyone wants the same things they do . Other people simply do not exist. If stroking the narcissist ego one can become part of the narcissist’s life but only as a limb or extension of them.
Examples in Therapy
- I once treated a male with borderline personality disorder. Due to his intense fear of abandonment, when I missed an appointment without being able to notify him in advance his abandonment fears were realized. Although I had treated him over a year and felt we had a good therapeutic relationship, he never contacted me again. I attempted multiple times to reconnect, reschedule and apologize however, I never heard from him again.
- I treated a male narcissist for a short period of time. He complained about his wife possibly divorcing him and taking all his assets. I told him that not all women did that and told him that even I wouldn’t do that. I told him I would give my husband my engagement ring back because it was paid for by my husband inheritance. He said “then maybe I should be with you”. I gently made it clear our relationship was strictly therapeutic. He perceived I had rejected him and I never heard from him again.
