Dear Leanne,
My husband and I have been married for over 22 years. I want very desperately to divorce him but I don’t know why.
We really don’t fight at all, we are financially stable, our sex life is okay and our kids have good lives. I understand that the ‘spark’ in a marriage can burn out but it feels like it’s more than that. He’s a great guy but somehow I feel trapped or smothered.
We were 28 when we married. I just don’t know what to do. Please help me understand and tell me what to do.
Thanks R.L.
Dear R.L.,
Let me first share a story of a couple I saw many years ago in a similar situation.
Case Story
Mary and Joe had been married for 20+ years. When they told family and friends they were happily divorcing, people were shocked.
They had what looked like the perfect marriage. There was no fighting. Everything was done together. They were social and always appeared respectful and happy with one another.
Well, it turns out that every summer they went on a month-long vacation in the desert which Mary hated. In turn, Joe attended years of square dancing lessons he loathed. Neither of them shared how they felt about these two issues and many many more.
They just kept the peace and accommodated one another. For whatever reason they didn’t share their true thoughts and feelings. This in itself kept them distant and unable to be their true selves, thus no intimacy.
Keeping all her feelings to herself without even knowing it, Mary began to feel she needed ‘freedom’. I helped Mary identify her feelings and helped her to learn to express them. She felt better because holding them in was just too hard.
Joe unfortunately didn’t want to do the work. He was perfectly happy being disconnected and wanted to continue to be in a marriage without closeness. Needless to say they decided it was best to divorce.
The Accomodating Relationship
R.L., it appears clear to me that your relationship with your husband is much like Mary and Joe’s. It’s not an intimate one. I personally refer to this as the ‘accommodating relationship’. In other words, rather than being deeply open about how you’re feeling (and perhaps vice versa), you choose to continue to act like all is okay.
The mere fact that you cannot identify the exact feelings you’re having tells me that you are probably disconnected from your feelings or you have never been able to identify and express them.
When someone feels ‘trapped or smothered’ that means they aren’t able to be their true self with their partner. If you cannot identify and discuss how you feel regularly with your partner you have no intimacy.
Here’s a suggestion:
- Get in touch with how you feel about every little thing. You’ve repressed for so long that this may be difficult.
- Attempt to share your feelings with your husband. If you can share them and he is receptive maybe you’ll begin to feel more connected.
- Get a good therapist to help you with the process. Making a decision to divorce is not one to be taken lightly. Work on yourself a bit then maybe invite your husband in. He may be feeling the same way.
Good Luck to you R.L.
Sincerely,
Leanne
This post may contain affiliate links.
