Dear Leanne,
I am really struggling with my wife lately. No matter what I say or do it’s not good enough and she gets angry. I try to do everything she asks of me but I just can’t seem to do anything right. I love her but I am at my wits end.
The other day she asked me to fold the laundry. Both the couches had unfolded loads of clean laundry on them. I was more than happy to fold the clothes. There was a game on TV so it was no problem.
When she came home, however, what I did was not good enough. I showed her I folded everything expecting a thank you and she lost her mind yelling at me. According to her I didn’t fold the towels correctly. I didn’t separate everyone’s clothes and stack them together (there are 4 of us). I didn’t take the clothes upstairs and put them away.
She literally asked me to ‘fold the clothes’ and that’s it. She said nothing about sorting, folding a certain way or putting them away. I don’t understand how she can get so mad when I did EXACTLY what she asked of me.
Please help me (or her).
Never Good Enough.
Dear Never Good Enough,
I am sorry your hard work didn’t lead to the thanks you were expecting.
What you are dealing with is a communication problem. I don’t necessarily think your wife is ‘crazy’. What she is, however, is emotional.
I hate to say it but if your wife would have given the same instruction to the majority of the female population, they most likely would have done all the extra work your wife didn’t mention.
Basically, men and women are very different. To make a generalization, men are literal and women are emotional and intuitive. For us, it’s almost like we can read each other’s minds. Men, however, hear what is said and follow it. I can’t tell you how often a couple leaves my office and I apologize to the man for women being so different and difficult to understand. We operate out of emotions which aren’t readable but very very real. One of my quotes is ‘If God were to have done us a disservice, it’s that you can’t cut us open and see the feelings. They are there and need to get out’.
There is a great book by John Gray, PhD titled ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. It’s a very well written book on understanding some of the many differences between men and women, including communication. You can find it on my Book Recommendations page.
Specifically for your situation, you and your wife need to take more time to talk. When she asks you for something, she needs to provide you with detail even though to her it may seem obvious. Let her know that you are literal and you will do exactly what she says but only what she says. Ask questions as she’s telling you so you get the entire picture of what she wants. Let her know it’s not out of spite that you aren’t doing everything the way she wants it. You are trying to help but you cannot read her mind. If it’s not spoken (or written) it may not get done.
It also wouldn’t hurt for you to think a bit outside the box. Follow the process through to the end. In other words, what would the next logical step be in doing what she asked? The laundry for example. The clothes would eventually have needed to end up in everyone’s rooms put away, right?. That would have entailed sorting and putting away, right? So maybe take the extra steps to accomplish the entire job. Maybe you’ll get the thanks you’re looking for.
Good Luck to you Never Good Enough!
Sincerely,
Leanne
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